looking for yourself?

join the club.

Hi, I’m Alexandra. And I’m going through my quarter-life crisis. You know, the one where people say, “She’s going through something/a phase/a rough time.” The one where I’m making all of these drastic changes and the people around me are struggling to adapt because I don’t fit their perfect mould or idea of the Alexandra they know and love. The one we’re I’m weird and woo-woo and lost. The one where everyone is giving me space to explore and experiment before I return to me.

None of the above is wrong. Except for the fact that I didn’t go anywhere and there’s nobody to return to. I’ve been here all along.

It’s just that the I am balancing with the the person inside of me that’s been suppressed.

And that can be scary for people. All of a sudden our dynamic is no longer on their terms. All of a sudden my need to please has vanished. All of sudden I come first. Which can be tough for those who have relied on my loyalty, love, hard work, bubbly energy, determination, friendship, and silence.

But you know what sucks? Not being happy. Not being satisfied. Making it to the top and realising fulfilment isn’t there either. Recognising that I was living out someone else’s dream. Feeling guilty. Wondering if people are still going to love me if I don’t do X or Y or Z. Competing. Being jealous of others. Having anxiety over everything. Working harder than everyone around me. Trying to satisfy everyone. Falling in love with potential and controlling others when the potential wasn’t met. Not saying no. Holding back words that needed to be said. Saying too much. Giving unsolicited advice. Needing to be right. Shoving my worldview down people’s throats. Knowing what’s best for others. Pressure.

So I had to come first. My wellbeing had to be my priority. Because if I am not whole and balanced, I’ll continue to mould myself to the needs of others. I’ll continue to let others make me feel sad, angry, upset, happy, ecstatic, frustrated, envious, and full. And as long as I let others dictate the way I feel, I won’t be a good friend or partner or leader. I’ll just be whomever they need me. I’m not here to be someone else.

So maybe I am going through a crisis.

Or maybe I’ve just changed the way I see you.

And what I see is someone who is trying to do the best they can. I trust that you’re doing what is good.

This corner of the internet is about sharing stories that help people embrace who they are.